Navigating Emotions Part 4: Shame

According to the Oxford Dictionary, shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. Shame is such a complex emotion and takes a while to unpack. Why is it so difficult for us to express?

For starters, to express shame to another requires a great deal of vulnerability. For example, you break a promise to a close friend. You can’t believe you did it. You never meant to hurt your friend like this, but in the heat of the moment, you broke your friend’s trust. You wish more than ever that you could go back in time and undo it. How will you face them now? This is shame. How to express it? Honesty. There is no way around it. Whenever you have broken a promise, or done something you can’t take back, the only thing left to do is express sorrow for your actions, and be honest.

A few years ago, a friend seriously hurt me. We were arguing over an important topic to both of us, and in the heat of the moment, she snapped and said something that took things too far. I was very hurt. We didn’t speak after this for quite a few days. Eventually she reached out to me. She said these words, “I’m sorry I hurt you. There isn’t a good excuse for why I did it. I know why I said those things. I was intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, and I never should have said something with that intention. Will you forgive me?” This truly changed my outlook on apologies. In this situation, she wasn’t trying to cover up her mistake or make it less than what it was. She admitted that in that moment, she was intending to hurt me. It took a LOT of courage and vulnerability for her to admit that.

Think of an example of a time when you tried to express your shame to another person. How did it go? Did they take it well, or was there still some hurt to heal? It is important to remember that expressing shame doesn’t reverse what happened. I was still hurt and angry at my friend for a while after she apologized, but her apology stood out to me. It was sincere, and it took courage.

So next time someone expresses their shame to you, take a moment to think about how you would want someone to react. Even if it is calmly saying something like, “ I appreciate your apology. I am still hurting right now and will need some time to heal before we work through it together.”